Ramble

Preface: Sometimes I start to write something and it turns out differently than I expect. A lot of the time, I just delete the whole mess, but I think I'll share today's mess...

There’s a saying I find amusing and often true: 

A woman marries a man, hoping he’ll change; 

a man marries a woman hoping she’ll never change. 

I’ve never really thought through some of the implications of this. A friend is looking for Mr. Right, and I was curious about something, does she want a “project” or a guy that is already independent and happy? I realize that is loaded question, and a bit of a bifurcation, but I’m genuinely curious about how she and other women would respond. 

Another friend advises me that she finds a man’s independence and confidence an attractive quality. But is too much independence a bad thing? Many a woman will tell you, Mr. Right is perfect—he just needs the love of a good woman. A woman to complete him. Let’s all take a moment to reflect on the image of a teary-eyed Tom Cruise admitting, “You..complete…me…” Go ahead, I’ll be over here trying to keep my lunch down. 

Perhaps my disdain, in evidence above, will tip you off? I think the best (\) relationship is between two fully-formed, independent adults. It’s been a long time since I wandered around, feeling like half of something, desperate for my missing half. Don’t get me wrong, I have needs; but this two-halves-making-a-whole bit is just not for me. I admit, I may be atypical. Very likely, this is a continuum, with needy incompletes on one end, and happy hermits on the other. Where do I fall? Where do my friends fall? And if they are more needy than me, are they looking for someone that is equally needy? More so? Less so? 

When shopping for a perfect tie, you might ask the sales clerk for advice. Their first question is likely to be: tell me about the rest of the outfit? What color is the shirt, pants and jacket? I think that is likely true of relationships. If you seek the perfect mate, perhaps it is best to know about the rest of the ensemble…and that is you. 

I was chatting with a friend of mine recently. She is a lovely creature, and she asked me for input about her recent relationships which had been a little rocky. I told her honestly, “you are just not a 24/7 type of gal.” She looked a little hurt, but she is very independent and her last boyfriend was very needy. She tends to immerse herself in her relationships, jumping straight into the deep end. But in that end of the pool, you can’t touch bottom. (Meaning there’s not a lot of me-time left). She likes to think a couple that truly love each other could spend all their time together, waking and asleep, and the bliss would be majestic. In contrast, it should be a surprise to on one that I think people need a balance between me-time and our-time. You can call me Mr. Compartmentalize, if you like.

Where is all this going? Well…

•   It is important to know what you need before you go shopping.
• What you want and what you need may be different things.