Umm, wow

"After 30 years of practicing law, elder-law attorney Bradley Frigon of Denver said he is seeing more of these contentious relationships. People are living longer, he said, and are more likely to enter into new romances after death or divorce."

Ummm, really? That's pretty creepy.

I read this in an online MSN article. Needless to say, I was surprised.

Ramble

Preface: Sometimes I start to write something and it turns out differently than I expect. A lot of the time, I just delete the whole mess, but I think I'll share today's mess...

There’s a saying I find amusing and often true: 

A woman marries a man, hoping he’ll change; 

a man marries a woman hoping she’ll never change. 

I’ve never really thought through some of the implications of this. A friend is looking for Mr. Right, and I was curious about something, does she want a “project” or a guy that is already independent and happy? I realize that is loaded question, and a bit of a bifurcation, but I’m genuinely curious about how she and other women would respond. 

Another friend advises me that she finds a man’s independence and confidence an attractive quality. But is too much independence a bad thing? Many a woman will tell you, Mr. Right is perfect—he just needs the love of a good woman. A woman to complete him. Let’s all take a moment to reflect on the image of a teary-eyed Tom Cruise admitting, “You..complete…me…” Go ahead, I’ll be over here trying to keep my lunch down. 

Perhaps my disdain, in evidence above, will tip you off? I think the best (\) relationship is between two fully-formed, independent adults. It’s been a long time since I wandered around, feeling like half of something, desperate for my missing half. Don’t get me wrong, I have needs; but this two-halves-making-a-whole bit is just not for me. I admit, I may be atypical. Very likely, this is a continuum, with needy incompletes on one end, and happy hermits on the other. Where do I fall? Where do my friends fall? And if they are more needy than me, are they looking for someone that is equally needy? More so? Less so? 

When shopping for a perfect tie, you might ask the sales clerk for advice. Their first question is likely to be: tell me about the rest of the outfit? What color is the shirt, pants and jacket? I think that is likely true of relationships. If you seek the perfect mate, perhaps it is best to know about the rest of the ensemble…and that is you. 

I was chatting with a friend of mine recently. She is a lovely creature, and she asked me for input about her recent relationships which had been a little rocky. I told her honestly, “you are just not a 24/7 type of gal.” She looked a little hurt, but she is very independent and her last boyfriend was very needy. She tends to immerse herself in her relationships, jumping straight into the deep end. But in that end of the pool, you can’t touch bottom. (Meaning there’s not a lot of me-time left). She likes to think a couple that truly love each other could spend all their time together, waking and asleep, and the bliss would be majestic. In contrast, it should be a surprise to on one that I think people need a balance between me-time and our-time. You can call me Mr. Compartmentalize, if you like.

Where is all this going? Well…

•   It is important to know what you need before you go shopping.
• What you want and what you need may be different things.

yikes!

Grey: we have the same safewords.

a time and a place for all things

PREFACE: A lot of times, I am surprised about how little elements in my life connect up. I’ll be reading a book, or watching a movie, and something relevant to my life will pop up. Insane people will take this as a sign that Fate exists in our lives. I believe all these connections are always there, but I only notice them when convenient.  It’s like cherry picking your data. I think numerology is stupid, too.

*  *  *  *  * 

So, I’m reading this book, and there’s a weird billionaire seen through the eyes of a naïve, yet intelligent young woman. When I read a review, I expected the billionaire to be this freak, and almost didn’t buy the book. Well, here I am, a few pages in, and, surprisingly I’m on the billionaire’s side when it comes to many of his quirks. For instance, he doesn’t sleep in the same bed with anyone. This is a sign of his bizarre nature. I think he just sleeps better alone. I, too, sleep better alone. It is a treat to share a bed with someone, but treats every day will give you type-2 diabetes.  (That was a joke).

Another example of his peculiarity: he is often abrupt in his work communications. Even within the context of the story, he gets a steady stream of phone calls and visitors and each time he is abrupt to the point of rudeness. The heroine thinks it is rude; I call it efficient. If every one of his minions got the idea it was okay to be chatty, this guy’s world would be a nightmare; at least his work day would be a hell of a lot longer. In order to have a life, an executive needs that level of efficiency and detachment.

Where is this going? Nowhere fast. The larger issue for me is compartmentalization. I am all excited because I have vacation coming up. And when I’m vacationing, I want to be so far removed from work that I am like a different person. You dress differently for vacation than for work, right? But should you adjust your personality, too? Maybe it’s weird, but I do it, and I like it. I think it is a natural extension of compartmentalization. Heck, on vacation, I often change my name. (Genesis: Corky). Soon, I will try to put aside the more mundane portions of my existence in favor of fun-loving Vacation Dongo. 

When I spend time with my GF, Jenn, I try not to talk about work. Primarily, I do this because I don’t think she would find it interesting. (And generally, we have a lot better things to do). I have to admit, though, that I don’t really want Jenn getting too familiar with Work Dongo. I behave differently at work, out of necessity. It’s kind of like sailing. When sailing, there is a skipper. When I’m skipper, I have no problem making decisions, issuing commands. When I am crew, I have no problems abiding by the skipper’s decisions and following the skipper’s commands. I think many lovers would be surprised to see their loved ones out sailing. I often say: there's some people you just shouldn't sail with. It’s the same at the office—maybe we should just leave that where it belongs…nicely compartmentalized.

I was going to chatter on a bit about Pavlov’s dogs and how I’ve conditioned myself for various activities, including vacation. When the vacation bell rings, I start to salivate. Sound familiar?

I wonder, though, if the way I’ve tailored my life has changed me?  Intellectually, of course, I’m sure of it. Is it a good thing?